Where does time go? Into the baby's mouth!

I'm scared for when she is mobile, because everything goes straight to the mouth! We love this little girl and fear we will lose her every day. When people say this process is an emotional rollercoaster, do not underestimate those words. We are only a few weeks in and they have been the hardest of my life. 

A few things we've learned about the system. Visits are hard. You will go at the specified time and will likely see the bio parents in the same waiting room until the social worker comes out. This is tough, they will not leave you or the baby alone and will repeatedly tell you they are getting their child back. Prepare yourself as much as possible. Also prepare to lose it as soon as you leave the building. The first visit or two I did nothing but cry in my car during that time. It is beyond rough. 

Your foster child will qualify for all sorts of things, Medi-Cal, WIC, mental health services. Use them. for Medi-Cal it is pretty simple, just find a location that takes it and make an appointment. No co-pays, just show up. Be advised care is not the best, but they do an okay job. We've also been told pedialyte makes suckers that are awesome for right after shots to help distract the poor screaming children. 

WIC is complicated. You will need to make an appointment at a WIC center, your medical provider may have their own office for such things. At this, bring the child's immunization record, ID and the paper that states you are the caretaker for the child (the agreement with DHS). Also bring your ID and be prepared to fill out some questionnaires  Also bring the baby as they will want her weighted and measured. This will take about an hour. After that you'll get your checks and can use them at nearly any grocery store or walmart. Each month you'll need to make an appointment to get your checks. They will be specific to whatever formula your baby uses until they get old enough (6 mos) to eat food then you'll get fruit and other foods as well. 

As far as the being a new mother to a child who isn't fresh out of the womb (or might be). Prepare yourself! Raising a baby is not easy. Keep stock of diapers and wipes. If you aren't sure on size, base it on their weight and go for the bigger one. If you get to small it will cut into their legs and be very uncomfortable. Also keep TONS of powder around. A bit of powder every change will go a long way to preventing a rash should you not get to the diaper change immediately. We like the Baby Anti-Monkey Butt Powder, but there are plenty out there that are just as effective. 

Invest in a swing!!! This thing will help her sleep and save your sanity. You may be strong, but after awhile arms get tired and since you may not be sleeping, a swing to soothe her to sleep will help everyone in your house stay a bit more sane. Trust me, it is worth the money (although if you can get it donated by a friend or used somewhere, that is even better!). I suggest one with sounds. 

Normal "burp cloths" are a joke. Don't waste your money. Buy plain ol' cloth diapers. These are great for absorbing whatever spit up comes your way. 

Get a floor mat, babies need floor time and tummy time. This will keep them from being bored while they are down there developing muscle strength. Also don't give them tummy time until at least 30-60 minutes after feeding, but they should get time from day 1. Build this into your schedule. We many times will just flip her over on the changing pad right after a change. She is higher up and can see us better and will stay there longer building those muscles. 

Get a diaper bag that could double as a large purse or a large purse that can double as a diaper bag. In no world will you want or be able to carry both. Get one that can handle both tasks and you'll be good to go. Getting one that has stroller straps is even smarter. 

Pick up some Gripe water. This helps greatly with tummy upsets and gasiness. We have our girl on Prosobee soy formula which should be VERY gentle, and she still gets uncomfortable at times. 

Last of all for the moment. Google is your friend. You will have questions that seem dumb or crazy or just strange. Google it, it knows all! 

Please turn right at the fork

From just another happy couple to parents! Man. All i heard in my head was "About Face"! She is beautiful and sweet and such a good baby! She is already down taking a nap after a bit of formula. We are so happy (and scared). 

Now time to learn to parent and raise a child and pray that it is God's will to keep her (and if not for his help in letting go). I can't risk posting any photos on the internet, but trust me, she is perfect. :D 

Imminent Parenthood

Yep. You read the subject correctly. Parenthood is imminent! We will be having a placement tomorrow afternoon! Amazing how quickly things can change. Although, I should also tell you while looking at the dates it did move quickly, it FELT like forever!

We do not know much about the placement. We know it is a little girl of about 3 months. We know she is smaller for her age group and that she is one of five lost by the mother. 

The social worker will be bringing her to us tomorrow and we are so excited I can't even tell you. Although, I won't lie, there is plenty of apprehension as well. The downside to going through the foster system. The parents still get visitation and have a chance of getting her back. So we just get to hope and pray for her and for us. As hard as it is, I know God has it all worked out. But I am hoping his will is for us to keep her forever. 

So much is unknown at this point, but mostly we are just excited to know we will be getting her in our custody tomorrow! Parenthood comes so quickly. Amazing to think of really. I'm sure there will be updates as we get her. Please keep us and this wee little babe in your thoughts and prayers. :) 

Officially Waiting

Patience. I imagine that is a skill that is highly needed by parents and perhaps part of why this process is the way it is. But man, is it tough! We have our official license in the mail saying we are licensed through the county DHS. We haven't heard anything on the home study front, but are under the impression all is well, and regardless that doesn't affect a placement. 

But man, I am now completely glued to my phone and have a mild heart attack every time it rings with a number not tied to a contact! HAHA My poor coworkers are on pins and needles with me. I know it can be (and probably will be) months and months before we get a call, but I can't stop hoping it isn't. That it will be today or tomorrow or soon. 

I think there are many ways adoption/foster is easier than natural childbirth and plenty of ways it is harder. Technically it could be faster, but that isn't in your favor (as of today we are at 5 months). Certainly it is less painful (at least for the pregnant one). Way more work and invasions of privacy by the government and random social workers, etc. More rules. And just more unknowns I think. 

You could argue that while you may assume certain milestones and processes about pregnancy and childbirth, everyone is different and anything can happen. I won't disagree. However, with this there is no real timeline. And you could get the child and then lose it just as quickly (or more painfully, less quickly) which is of lower risk if you bore the child. 

I'm not sure why I'm even debating it. The natural option isn't much of an option for us. This is where we're at and we just get to take it as it comes. So, I am TRYING to be patient and wait on God's timing, but it certainly isn't easy. Just waiting for the phone to ring...

It's becoming real!!

Well, in the last day or two this really has become real! We had a final interview with the adoption agency and he expects to have our home study done and approved by the end of October! So amazing! Thank you Lord! As if that weren't enough, three days later we had our home inspection with the County (finally, right)!! It went swimmingly. All the obsessing actually paid off and was really quite necessary. Even Tom repeatedly said thank you for my craziness as if it hadn't been as such we would likely have needed more visits! 

So, now, our Social Worker says we should be licensed by the end of the week! WOW!! Now, I know this just means we are capable of caring for a child but it could still take months before we get placement. This is still very true and i'm trying not to get too excited, but it is hard not to at this point! 

Additionally, Tom started his volunteer work at San Joaquin Hospital and met a few social workers who were there to take custody of a child being born. He passed along our names, which I am hoping will speed up the process! Please pray for us in this time. I know the right child will come along in the right time, but it is certainly hard to be patient! 

Since we now have the go-ahead (basically), I finally assembled the stroller and car seat (they were just chilling in the box). So strange to be so close! 

For those curious about how much of my obsessing was necessary, here are the things I know now that I didn't know prior:

• Fire Extinguishers (only necessary if you are licensing for special needs kids)
• Alcohol doesn't need to be behind lock and key unless you're going for teenagers
• they didn't comment on the outlet plugs, but they were all there, so maybe it wasn't necessary
• Having the deadbolt and lock on the handle to the garage was sufficient, but we did have to have the majority of tools locked up or out of reach for children
• They didn't check for bag clips for food in containers (I know others who did though)
• All poisons MUST be behind a lock (combo or lock and key), even in the garage. 
• They will open each and every drawer and cupboard to check that it is either safe or has a child safety lock on it. 
• kitchen trash can needs a lid
• if you have dogs, make sure all poop is picked up, all holes filled in and no loose boards or junk in the backyard. 
• you will have to open and close all windows in bedrooms (to prove they work)
• They will test your water temp. At it's hottest it should read between 105 and 120. If it is outside this range they will tell you to adjust your water heater and may or may not require a second visit to test it. For us this meant having it on it's second to third lowest "warm" setting above the "vacation" settings.  

With all that said, it was much less painful that I suspected (although partially due to us being so overly cautious). Most of the time was us sitting down and waiting for the social worker to check all the paperwork and go over everything. 

Mostly, I'm just happy we are done with this portion of the process and are now just excited to be open to a child. I have had my phone glued to me since the social worker left! Hopefully soon we will be a family. :D 

What a day!

All I can say is wow! Today has been amazing! First, it is my first day of vacation for our Scuba trip (yay). I also had our second interview with the adoption agency which was good. I won't say fun, but good (more on this in a moment). The biggest wow is that while waiting for the interview, our SW from the County called and scheduled our inspection!! YAY! 

We are scheduled for the afternoon of Sept. 30 and I'm so excited! hopefully all is in order and we'll be approved on that day with the first visit. One of my good friends who is also licensed said she'd come by and do a dry run with us to make sure sure we've dotted all the "i's" and crossed all the "t's"!! Things are moving and it is actually happening. 

Now, I need to remember to calm myself because it could still be months before we get a placement, although praying it won't be. But at least licensed and home study complete will put us in a good position for when babies show up! 

The interview was interesting. We went through my childhood and all the schools I attended, all medications I take, our dogs, family dynamics, everywhere I've lived, etc. He still thinks we are set to be done by end of October with our last interview in home scheduled next Thursday! But man this one was much more of a doozy that the first when Tom and I were together! 

This weekend is going to rock! The local dive shop gave me some killer deals on the rental gear. We pick up Jimmy tonight and start scuba diving in the pool tomorrow. Then, off to Catalina on Saturday, not to return until Monday! It will be a whirlwind weekend where we should get PADI certified and perhaps additional certifications if all goes well! 

I thought I would get more nervous as things got closer, but instead, I've just gotten more excited. Although, I need to review material tonight so I don't fail the final :-p 

I wish this funk was cool...

Seriously. In a bad one! Last night after writing my post I ended up quietly crying to What to Expect when You're Expecting (for the 8th time this year)! Poor Tom. All he wants to do is help, but can't understand that for this there is nothing he can do. So instead, as a man, he gets frustrated. Not helping dude! 

I am hoping I can pull myself out of it soon. I am thinking having Jimmy come and doing the whole scuba thing will help get my mind onto something else. My misty eyes could really use a break. 

I also shut the baby room door. Hoping that by not seeing it every 5 minutes when I walk down the hall that it might help me regain control of my emotions and thoughts. 

It would do me well to go do something with Tom instead of sitting here draining myself emotionally (and hydrationally). But, this is where I am and I think as much as this sucks, it makes me feel better when I deal with it on my own. Does that make me a terrible wife? person? Ugh. I really don't need to add that to the list!

In other, more positive news. I have been doing well on my Weight Watchers this week (so far)! So, hopefully that will turn into a loss instead of a gain this week. Speaking of which, I need to call the store and find out when I can go weigh in so I don't miss a week since we'll be out of town on Saturday! 

Only two more days until we start our under water adventure. I can do it. We will make it. This is good. 

Roller coasters

When I was younger, roller coasters were always just fun, exhilarating items that I would dream about. Not really knowing if you would make it out alive (all the while knowing, of course, that you would). As "unpredictable" as we like to think of them, they all have a few things in common. Steep hills from which you cannot see where you're going, huge drops that cause your stomach to meet your brain, and more than adequately necessary safety equipment. 

As Tom and I progress through this road of adoption, I realize my life has become such an item. Only it feels as though the safety equipment has been removed. So many uphill battles, the applications, fingerprinting, and classes. This isn't even mentioning the largest to come of having a child in our home and learning to raise them to be great humans. So far, each hill has been followed by somewhat of a drop that seem to relieve the tension and unknowns of the hills, the first interview with the adoption agency, having our application approved, etc. 

And yet, I still feel like there is no safety harness. I wonder if we will make it out whole. I know in theory we will make it out as more than whole, with a child to call our own and the family we have been dreaming about. But there are people who haven't. What if we are one of those people? It is terrifying. Far more terrifying than any other coaster I've ever seen. 

Today, I got to have dinner with one of my best friends. We haven't had a chance to just sit together in a very long while and it was an amazing evening. She too is going through fertility issues and struggling to become a mom. Although, we differ in our methods. Tom and I chose adoption and she and her husband have chosen fertility treatments. I admire her. I could not deal with that road and all the emotional and physical pain that comes with it. At least with adoption there are a bit better odds of a positive outcome. Although both have very steep costs. 

We got to just sit and talk about how extremely difficult each process is and while very different, many of our emotions and experiences have felt the same. Like how difficult it is to watch someone who may not even want a child, get pregnant. She is better than I in that she can hold her feelings in and celebrate with those people. I am not nearly as strong and bawl at the mere thought! 

Which brings me back to my point. Will we make it out okay? Will we be the same? Or will we finish this as just some semblance of the people we once were? I know being a parent changes you. But I wonder how much change will come just from riding this roller coaster we are on. Will all the worrying and devastation it brings. I hope I end this as I dream. Happy, with a child for our own, and relatively well-recovered from the road it took to get there. But what if I don't? Who would I be? And finally, will I be glad we chose the road we did? 

Kindness

Well, we survived the emotional trauma of Tuesday. Our SW called first thing on Wednesday to apologize and reschedule (in the evening so we don't have to miss more work). I was still pretty off on Wednesday. A couple friend of Tom's is expecting their third child and decided to have a last minute dinner celebration on Wednesday evening. Poor Tom asked if I'd like to go and I just started bawling...

Why is it so hard to be excited and celebrate with someone else who is successful in a place you are failing? I do not know, but I did know I didn't want to rain on their parade. So, rather than test my limits and fail more, I had Tom go and enjoy himself while I stayed home and watched some Netflix. It was just what I needed. 

I should add that I've now probably seen What to Expect when you're Expecting at least 6 times since May. I think I might have a problem. But for some reason it is comforting to me. So, what's the harm?! 

We also had a nice kind gesture by one of Tom's coworkers. They gave us a good sampling of blankets and clothes (mostly for a girl) in baby sizes to add to our collection. The sizes range from newborn to two year old. Even though we know we want 6 months or under, it is good to know we have a selection in case they are not standard sizes. If it is a boy, we'll just have to hope the few outfits we bought fit until we can get more! 

It is really nice to have the baby room done, and to not feel like an emotional wreck again. I am hoping that was just a moment of weakness and I can stay together through the rest of this process. People keep telling me I won't remember any of this hardship when we actually get a kid. While part of me hopes that is true, part of me hopes it's not. I'd love to forget all this, but I think it is part of our journey, and can help us help others in our same situation. 

So much of this journey was guessing and hoping. If we can hold on to this information and the process and frustrations to help someone else minimize or avoid them, that would be awesome. But just in case we don't remember, I'm hoping this blog has enough to help someone along. 

We still have yet to hear anything from our County Licensing SW and keep holding our breath and waiting. Hopefully he will call and schedule our inspection soon. We and the house are definitely ready! Until then, we will just keep working toward our goal and pray that the right child (baby, please be a newborn baby) is out there or on its way to us! 

*Sigh*

So...it's been awhile. Up until this last week, not much had changed. Tom and I continued attending (and have now completed) the required 27 hours of PRIDE training through the county. We also discovered the reason we haven't heard anything from our licensing SW was because he had been on leave from an accident. So, we are still waiting on progress on that end, but at least we have done everything we can on ours. 

Today we had our first interview with the adoption agency scheduled. Tom and I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday cleaning and organizing the house. We also found a dresser/changing table on sale at Target that was perfect for the room and spent 3 hours assembling that monstrosity! But by the end of the day (10pm), the house looks amazing (clutter free even) and the baby room makes me want to cry tears of joy! Back to the point of this section...

We had the interview scheduled at 10am. I took the whole morning off work and Tom went in for a couple hours and came back home just after 10 for the interview. 10:40 rolls around and no social worker. Come to find out, we were scheduled, but our SW forgot he had us scheduled and took the day off. 

If I could only of imagined the stress and emotional turmoil this would of caused...oi! It took everything I had to not cry! Tom and I went to lunch, but as one might imagine, I wasn't feeling great so couldn't eat much. Tried to go to work, but I am just so upset, I literally feel nauseous  So, instead, I am here at home, with my laptop, working in my office (staying near to the restroom). 

I knew this process wouldn't be easy, but I had no idea it would be this hard! I now completely understand why people decide to just pay the 30k and adopt privately. Having this process be out of your hands with no set time frame and no guarantee of a permanent placement is not easy. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. 

We will still stick to it and give it a shot, but I'm losing faith that this process will work and we'll have gone through all this for nothing and still end up forking out thousands of dollars to have our family. I hope I'm wrong, but right now, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Proud and accomplished

Not feeling accomplished relating to the foster/adoption things as what was done didn't really affect that work, but feeling great none-the-less. I signed up for Weight Watchers and did pretty well today. I went over my points (used weeklies), but given that we had a surprise night out with my brother and sis-in-law, I still think that is pretty good. 

Overall we had a pretty chill weekend. We added some decor to our living room that I'm pretty excited about, played games, caught up on laundry, read my scuba chapters, and then hung out with folks today. We also got a new BBQ as our old one died. The new one we got at a pretty good deal and are glad it has doors for the tank area so we can lock it and keep the kids safe. 

We also went and saw Meet the Millers today, which was pretty hilarious. :) I feel like everything is coming together and the end is in sight. We are thinking we might be licensed in the next month or two (which would be awesome), and the house is staying clean. 

I have to say, hiring people to take care of some stuff (cleaning lady and gardener) has been one of the best investments ever! It has reduced stress for both Tom and I, and given us some more downtime back. I am so grateful! 

We continue our Foster Care PRIDE class tomorrow (3 of 9). Neither of us is too excited, but glad that it means the end to a very long process! 

Frustrations

This process is full of frustrations (if you couldn't already tell by my last post). There are so many hoops and blocks you have to navigate over and around; with very little help in said navigation. One of these hoops: 27 hours of PRIDE Foster Care training. Three hours a night for 9 evenings after work. The training, which is not nearly as dreadful as I originally imagined, is still far from entertaining. 

The information is semi-interesting, but mostly not really new or helpful to anyone with any experience with children, the government, or common sense (there are exceptions, but the majority of the 3 hours require some effort to make it through). I thought this in and of itself would be bad, but I learned tonight how to make it worse. Add in a husband who rather than just grin and bearing it like most people, has to make snide/sarcastic remarks at every opportunity and clearly lets his negative attitude show with every response. 

Don't get me wrong. It really isn't that I think this training will be very helpful to us or purposeful. But, like many things in this process, it is just part of the process (or the game if you will). It is one of the rules you have to follow. A means to an end. I don't understand how letting it upset you and making everyone else uncomfortable and miserable helps anything at all. 

I'll bet 90%+ of the class feels the same way we do, but that doesn't mean it is time to act immaturely and show exactly how you feel. It is time to put on your big kid pants and pretend it is all just fine and dandy. In a couple weeks, this course will be over and assuming we don't let our license lapse, we'll never have to take it again! 

In the meantime, I now need to figure out a way to try and help my husband realize that his behavior is making it worse and this already difficult process more difficult. Ugh! I guess worst case, it is only 7 more evenings and then it will be done. I just hope I get my supportive partner back. This process is hard enough on its own. 


UPDATE: Tom came home and without any prompting apologized and we talked through it. I'm sure he'll (we'll) still get frustrated at the unnecessary and wasteful steps we take. But at least we've realigned and reminded ourselves of the reason it is all worth it! 

Define "safe" please!

Apparently I, Tom, and most other parents (and non-parents for that matter) have no clue what "safe" means. This is according to the Department of Human services of course...When I thought of baby proofing (pre-foster care), I thought putting child safety tabs on drawers (once they were mobile), covers in the outlets, not leaving them unattended, chemicals out of reach, etc. 

Now, all of that is still part of being considered safe for foster children, but there are lots more things that I would never even thought of...Here is a list of a few.

• Fill in all holes and divots in yard
• Padding on all corners, mantles, tables, furniture
• Locks on every drawer and cabinet (regardless of child's age)
• all medications (OTC and Rx), vitamins, cleaning chemicals, general hygiene products (deodorant, shampoo, hair spray, lotions, shaving cream, toothpaste, etc), and any other bottle that says "Keep out of reach of children" MUST be LOCKED (either with a combo lock or key lock) away. Say what?!!
• All knives, scissors, and otherwise sharp objects must also be LOCKED up
• All alcohol must be LOCKED up (now, for a teenager, okay, but an infant? really?!)
• All tools must be LOCKED up
• All paint, bug sprays, weed killers, and other garage chemicals must be LOCKED up
• All cleaning chemicals, detergents, and laundry supplies must be LOCKED up
• All breakable objects (vases, bowls, etc) must be out of reach of children. At least for this one I can put them up high or a child safety lock....
• All opened food bags must be sealed with a clip (not just placed in the box with the lid shut) or in a sealed container. 
• Absolutely NO clutter on the floors or counters
• All windows must be openable (this makes sense) and have screens (ummm why?)
• Every room in a house must have a smoke detector. This one I can kinda see, but in a house our size, it seems overkill...
• All guns must be unloaded and locked in a safe (totally makes sense), all ammo must also be locked up in a container separate from the guns. Umm, okay, they do realize locking it in the safe without a human in there, basically makes it impossible to fire, right?!

So some of those make some sense, but many of them we are just like, seriously? Want to know what makes ALL of that even more frustrating? We have to go through all that, plus fingerprinting, interviews, background checks, 27+ hours of education/training, orientations, monthly home visits, etc and all the parents have to do to take the children back? Take a couple classes and provide a tent where the child has their own space on the floor to sleep and some food inside. 

No wonder there are not enough foster family homes for these kids. We are committed and know in the end it will all be worth it to have a child as part of our family, but man, talk about discouraging potential families. I agree these children should be provided a safe environment, but much of this is just ridiculous. And if they need that safe an environment in foster care, how can their "permanent" home with their biological families require anything less? 

Anyway, I'll stop ranting now. I know this is all for a purpose and it will make our home safer and cleaner and will make for a better home for our future child, but right now, I feel like we are being put through the ringer for someone's entertainment! 

Gotta keep them motivated...

Seriously, I feel like I'm in those old 7Up commercials (I think that was the soda). "What's your motivation?" I should have plenty of it, but I'm struggling to make it useful! Most specifically around the house. Now, I am not, in general, the tidiest person. It has never been natural for me to be a cleaner. Living with Tom who prefers to just throw things all over the house, just has made this worse as any progress or work is futile because I'm the only one who keeps it up. 

Well, this might be okay if we weren't about to go through numerous home investigations, interviews, and bring a child into the home. So, I hired a maid, but need to de-clutterize the house before she can actually clean it. I've done a bit, but not nearly enough and I just can't seem to stay focused. I know, now is when you're saying "why are you sitting here telling me about it?! Get off your butt and go de-clutter!!" To this I say, I am sitting briefly to eat a tuna sandwich in hopes it will give me some energy to get going. Excuses, excuses...I know. I get it. 

I'm hoping Tom gets out of class early and will come help. Although I really shouldn't hold my breath as it is his last chance to study with his teacher before his Final. But a girl can dream, can't she? 

Another step done!

We accomplished a couple milestones this week that I'm pretty excited about. 
1. We finally closed on the refi for the house (funded on Friday)! So, that is a HUGE relief! Saving a couple hundred each month in payments is also not so shabby :-p
2. We completed our pre-adoption PRIDE training today. It is an 8 hour course, which today they told us we should have taken AFTER the foster care courses, but oh well. It is done and it was good information. And it just puts us one step closer to having a child of our own. 
3. We got the rocking chair we ordered (I love good sales), and my parents bought the crib bedding today! It is soooo cute! It matches the room and will bring together all the colors nicely. It also fits with our fun jungle/monkey theme we want. 

So, now. After a long, productive week, I'm relaxing here at the computer, and Tom is studying for his EMT finals next week. It has been a great day. Which made up for a pretty stressful week. Tomorrow I should be able to relax a bit. Although may do some cleaning around the house. We'll see. Either way, it will be nice knowing stuff that was looming over us, is now completed. What greater feeling is there than finishing tasks that had been stressing you out?! Nothing I say! 

My, how time flies!

Seriously, time flies. It seems it flies faster as I age. I once had someone tell me that was because life is like a fraction, when you are two, one year is half your life which makes it seem relatively long, but by the time you're 30, each year is just 1/30 of you life, which relatively seems shorter. Relativity really is amazing, but I digress. I began today because it's only been 5 days since I wrote and I have so much news!!

First, on Sunday, which started out awfully (from a migraine), ended up fabulous! Once my headache started to subside, Tom and I decided to go run some errands and look at some rocking chairs. Tom really wanted to be able to try it before he bought it, and who could blame him?!

So, we went to Babies'r'us and tried their gliders. They had two we liked, one that was on a major sale ($150 off), that we really liked. It seemed a bit high off the ground for short me, but it works well enough. After this we drove ALL over town trying to find other places with baby furniture and rockers, but no one else seemed to keep anything in stock (bummer).

But our travels took us to a local shop called Mr. Mattress (where we bought our current mattress and master bedroom furniture). They didn't have anything in store, but showed us a catalog. Well, leave it to my hubby, the eternal chatter, to chat it up with the owner's wife who was helping us, about our quest and the fact we were adopting, etc, etc. Anyway, so while we were looking at the catalog, she decided to go looking on craigslist because she was sure she had seen a good deal on some baby furniture. Sure enough, a basically non-used crib, with mattress, and bumpers (which we knew we wouldn't use) for super cheap. 

We called the guy and long story short, because he couldn't bare to let his child cry herself to sleep, we got a basically brand new crib and mattress for about half price of what we would of paid in stores. Awesome! 

We also later ended up ordering that rocker and got an additional $25 off since we ordered it online (free shipping to store) and are just waiting for it to arrive to pick it up!

It doesn't even end there! Shocking, I know! We finally got word that we were assigned to a local non-profit for the adoption side of things and completed and turned around our first set of paperwork post-haste. We are working on their stage two, which is basically like a repeat of all the stuff we did for our foster care application, but with a different logo. Sucks to have to do everything twice, but at least we are moving forward. :)

We have our pre-adoption PRIDE training this Saturday  are getting the baby bedding Sunday (plus some free baby stuff from a friend), and will begin our foster care PRIDE training first week of August! From what felt like such a slow start, we are really picking up some traction. It feels amazing. :D 

Well, I think that is about it, and probably more than enough. :) Talk to ya soon! 

It takes all types

I am a true believer that it takes all types of people to run the world. After all we humans are subject to a thing called relativity. If we never experienced bad things, we would fail to notice and appreciate the good. Also, this world is so complex that if we were all cookie cutter, there are many jobs that could never get done, art that would never be created, and technologies that couldn't exist. Seriously, who wants that?! 

I say this to realize that I am one of those types that gets teased because organizing and researching is a favorite past-time of mine. Why is this relevant? Well, because besides doing laundry all morning, I have quite literally spent the last 4 hours of my Saturday morning researching furniture for the baby. This soothes me, it entertains me more than most games, and while many may say it isn't productive, I at least feel like I've accomplished something. :) 

I have now compared and contrasted a number of cribs, changing tables, rocker/gliders, strollers/travel systems, pack'n plays, high chairs, and car seats. I've searched prices and rank ordered my favorites. Now, this doens't mean I haven't missed something. But I do feel pretty confident that after our trips to baby shops to touch and feel some of these products, and then compare with reviews and prices that I have a pretty solid list. I've attached a picture so you can see my work. :D 

I started with a different format, but liked that I could put this into a pivot table for easy summing of different score options. I'm excited to show Tom and know he will laugh at me. As much as he laughs, I know he still appreciates the effort as researching is not his cup of tea and he feels better knowing we did our due diligence. :D 

While the furniture is expensive, all of it together isn't as bad as I thought it might be. Of course, I kept my picks in the reasonable price ranges and avoided falling in love with something outlandish. So, we'll see with the hubby says when he finishes his internship today at the hospital! :D 

Stuff

Stuff and things. It is amazing how much they matter. Now, I'm not like my brother who really believes less is more. I do have a materialistic side and definitely enjoy my comforts. However, I never realized how exciting and important and exhausting picking out even the smallest details for a baby could be. It feels like so much relies and will change depending on what you choose. 

Now, I'm not so foolish to think that if I picked Avent over Tommee Tippee that our future child will never be able to feed and end up malnourished and scarred for life. But there is a sense of needing and wanting not just bare minimum, but the best for the tiny human you are going to be responsible for. 

Even considering all that anxiety about making the wrong decisions, all while knowing any decision as long as they have something will be okay, the process is exciting. We didn't get anything incredibly mind-blowing today. We did pick up some bottles and a sanitizer, bibs, diaper pail, a couple infant "toys", and diaper rash cream. However, I cannot even begin to relate my excitement! It is really all coming together!

I should add that during this time of shopping, Tom changed his mind and we decided to go monkey/jungle themed instead of beach themed. Since neither of us is a particularly great decorator and we would like some flow to the room. We figure going with a theme that is readily available with many options makes more sense. And the color blue on the walls fits it perfectly. :D 

We also got confirmation that we have an agency set up to do our home study, and as soon as I get my TB test, we'll be ready to go for our foster care home inspection! I realize it could still take months, but it might not, and that would just be fabulous! 

I'm blue da ba de ba da ba

Okay, maybe I'm not, but the spare room/nursery certainly is. Don't get too excited, it only has one mostly complete coat, but it is definitely blue! A brighter blue than we thought it would be, in fact it looks remarkably like the background to super mario bros. So, if you wanted to see, just go look at videos of game and the background pretty much hits the nail on the head. :D 

Tom is still deciding if he can stand it. I'm still deciding if we should just go with it or change it to something we actually love instead of something that will work. I also wonder how it will look once there is actually stuff on the walls and in the room. Not to mention blinds/curtains on the window!! If I had my guess, we would leave it as is, paint the second coat and that once everything is in there and decorated, we'll love it. We need to trust the process (not unlike the adoption process as a whole). 

I got the call from the doctor and my health screening form is finally complete! YAY. Now, I just need a TB test and we should be completed with phase 2. Hopefully after that, it won't be too much longer until we meet our case worker and get the home inspection started. 

I think all of this change and process on top of Tom's crazy work/school schedule is beginning to take a toll. Poor hubby is exhausted and I can hardly wait for school to be over in three weeks. 14+ hour days is just too much. It probably doesn't help that I'm at 3/4 speed ahead. But we're getting through it. 

He actually suggested we go look at cribs and other baby stuff this weekend. We must of spent 3 hours between Target and Babys 'R' Us looking at cribs and strollers and pack'n'plays and changing tables and on and on and on. We were able to find a stroller we really liked and a crib we really liked (remarkably cheaper through their website than at the store). We are waiting until August to buy anything, but it was nice looking and seeing that in general we agree on the bigger ticket items. 

I was even tempted by their glide rockers. Oh my goodness. I had always just assumed I'd take my mom's old rocker, but after sitting in the padded, comfortable gliders, I think I may have changed my mind. For how many hours I expect we'll sit in those with the baby, the investment seems quite worthwhile. But we'll see, it is still a ways off. I think it will depend on how good a deal we can get on the rest of the necessities! 

We also have our scuba trip in just a few short months. Man, I remember when 3 months seemed like forever, but seriously, it is already July. September will be here in the blink of an eye! I've started reading my chapters from the PADI book and need to get Tom to do the same. This is not light reading material, I'm just hoping my brain can retain it all with everything else crammed up in there! 

Another day closer to when we will have our own tiny human and I can hardly wait. 

The preparations have begun

I guess you could say the preparations began months ago as we began this process of cleaning and organizing in preparation for bringing a new, tiny human into our home. But as of yesterday, it feels so much more real. We picked out the paint and are just waiting for the old furniture to disappear to start painting what will soon be our nursery. 

We also bought a much too big, but really cute fan. It is the fanciest fan I've ever owned. Tom and I both find it humorous that we spent more on that fan than every other fixture in the house combined. However, it fits. It has blades that appear as palm fronds and while it is too large for the space and probably hangs too low, we're going with it. It perfectly fits with our Hawaii/beach themed nursery idea. 

I've been really impressed with how easily we're selling our furniture set. I was a bit concerned we may have priced it too high, but we've had lots of bites and only still have it because I made a foolish mistake of holding it for someone who never showed. But that isn't the worst thing ever. It looks like it will now go to a friend of ours, however, if not, I have another friend who wants it too! Soon the room will be ready to be decorated and filled. 

I also spent a couple hours yesterday looking at cribs and changing table/dressers, and other fun baby stuff. We are getting some of it from a friend, but are pretty sure it is the wrong color. So, we'll see if we stick with it or end up buying something new that requires no paint :-p 

I have no idea how this room is going to come together, but I'm really excited for it. We could still be months off from getting a baby and even the first we get may not end up being ours. However, I'm trying to stay optimistic and hopeful. Also, knowing me, having it all ready will make me feel more at ease. Fortune favors the prepared. And we're definitely hoping for some fortune in the form of a tiny human! 

Yay News!!

We are making progress! Our application for foster care has been approved! We are now in phase 2 where we get our fingerprints, physicals, etc. done and then the home inspection! We also got a call today to make sure we were signed up for the adoption courses through the county. It feels so good to have some steps. Way better than just sitting in the dark hoping and waiting. I know we are still a ways off, but this feels amazing! 

In other news, every inch of my being has been bit by the baby bug...I think I have now watched the move "What to Expect when you're Expecting" at least three times, plus every infant, child, baby, and birthing documentary on Netflix. I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm running out of options!  

We have a guy who has committed to buying our spare room furniture on Friday (talk about a major step). Once that is gone, there will be nothing holding us back from decorating. I know that is a risky step as it could still be months and months before there is a tiny human to put in there, but I feel this real need to have it ready, just in case it is sooner. Fortunately for me, Tom is so kind and seems to be on board with my baby fever...:)

Things are so great right now. I know this coaster will have more drops. But right now, this feels great! :D 

Time flies...

It feels like so much longer than a week! Sorry for the delay, but I was out of town at a training and didn't feel like logging onto my laptop in the evenings. Besides, up until yesterday, nothing really noteworthy had happened anyway! We finally heard back from DHS about our application and were told someone should be in contact to get started soon! woohoo! Although, I guess that means we really can't rest on our laurels anymore and need to finish up the random stuff around the house. :) 

We also should have our house refinanced within the next week or two which is great news. We will reduce our payment and be with a bank we like :-p Also, we'll have Tom's ex off the house, which has been a VERY long time coming. 

Today was not the best day. It was nice finally being back home after a long week away, but Tom and I got off on the wrong foot and it went downhill from there. Enter overblown argument and tears...ugh! Of course, per usual, we worked it all out. But I never enjoy the days it happens. Then again, who does?! 

Here is to hoping for a productive and easy weekend at home. :) 

Moseying along

Moving along. I have completed watching every episode of Mythbusters on Netflix so for the last couple days I have been pretty productive in the house-readying department. Yesterday I cleaned out spare bathroom, hall closet, and reorganized the locking cabinet. Today I tackled the master bathroom. I was amazed at how much crap (expired product, trash, etc) was under our sinks! Well, there is no more! A couple loads to the trash and some reorganization and now we only have non-expired, safe for children, and well-organized stuff in our cupboards! Woohoo! 

Our Rx locking box is supposed to arrive tomorrow, so I'll organize all the meds then and put them in the locking cabinet. Our house is getting closer and closer. Not that it matters too much, we are still quite a bit away from being licensed I think! Although, we are now registered for both the Foster Care courses, adoption course, and CPR that are all required! Whew!

In other news, Father's day is coming up and it gives me butterflies to hope this will be our last as non-parents (crossing my fingers)!!! I dropped grandpa's card off today. He seemed pleased. I have never been a good card-getter. To me and Tom they seem like such a waste of money. I mean seriously, $4 for a couple pieces of paper with some text? I guess we could start making our own, I probably should. But for now we buy them because it makes others happy and that is good. 

Tomorrow is Friday, but kind of a bummer as I have to drive out of town for the day and leave at the crack of dawn!! Eww! At least after those meetings I'll be back and it will be the weekend! Woohoo! It will be a busy weekend with cleaning, a wedding reception, Father's Day, and CPR class! Hopefully we get to squeeze in some down time with all that. I know I need it and I'm sure Tom does too with all this gym-going and EMT course stuff he has going on. 

Anyway, with that I'm heading to bed. Sweet dreams! 

TGIF

Seriously. So glad it is finally the weekend. I got some not so great news from lab results which means another doctor visit (nothing fatal, but not fun either) and what a bummer of a day. As if I needed anything to add to this roller-coaster Tom and I are on! But such is life I guess!

I think this whole process is going to teach me some serious patience. Which is great, because I'll need it for this kid! We have not heard back anything from the foster or adopt side of the County. I did get to chat with one of the attorneys we are looking at and ask some real questions about the agreement. They were great answers, but I still think we may end up going the foster-adopt route. It is so hard to justify $30k in exchange for patience and a little bit of security.

On the flip side, we finally got to go play some Killer Bunnies (an amazing card game) with some of our good friends tonight. We hadn't been able to see them in about two months, so it was a long time coming and a great evening for everyone! They even had a little belated birthday party with party donuts and some very beautiful earrings for me! How much fun is that?! 

Tomorrow is more prep around the house. We need to fix the backyard and start cleaning out the garage! Also, Tom has to take one of our dogs to go get his rabies vaccination and licensing! Fortunately there is a clinic with reduced pricing (yay)! I'm all for saving money! 

Well, Tom is in bed, and here I am once again up later than I'd like. I guess I should wrap it up and get myself to bed! It is supposed to be 108 degrees tomorrow and there is a lot to do! 

So Emotional

Seriously, you'd think I was pregnant (but I'm not). *Sigh* I had my bi-annual with the Gyno today and seriously I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Sitting in the waiting room with all these beautiful pregnant ladies (and a few freshly birthed babies); it was seriously more than I could handle! I did tear up a bit in the exam room. Fortunately enough for me, my gyno is patient and kind and didn't judge me for it. 

I know I've said it before, but coming from "knowing" I didn't want a child for most my life to here...it is unbelievable. I can't believe I ever didn't want what I feel I so desperately need now. I remember almost feeling sorry for people who got pregnant on a whim, like they were somehow losing their freedom and lives. When in reality and I was missing it and how lucky and fortunate for them to be able to have children at will. 

I know my story isn't all that unique and there are many women out there just like me. All of whom are struggling to figure out how to handle how hard it is to want a child and not be able to "make" one naturally. I know we are fortunate to live in a country and time where we have other options. Not having those would make this so much more difficult. 

I should mention I also broke down last night while chatting with my sweet husband about this whole process. And I'm sure that this will not be the last of it. Although, it would certainly be nice to go back to not being so gosh darn emotional! Lord, could you please help with that?! :)

For now, I know I need to focus on what I have: A fantastic man who adores me, a roof over my head, food on the table, and the means to make our dreams of becoming a family a reality, even if it isn't "natural" or cheap. Thank God for blessing me so greatly. 

I know He will take care of our needs and this will all work out in the end, but for right now, I think I'm just going to have to be okay with crying randomly and being somewhat of a wreck! To all those around me...sorry!!

Scary as well...you can guess!

Contracts. Seriously scary stuff! I know they are meant to cover all sorts of circumstances and therefore must be written in a way that is quite intimidating. But just after I feel like it's not all against us...BOOM! It is just awful to feel so helpless and vulnerable. I would never of guessed that the process of having children would have been so complicated and upsetting. I know they will be well worth it in the end, but that seems so far off, it is of little condolence! 

So, after some tears and discussions, our questions and concerns are sent off back to the lawyers. Hopefully it will all turn out for the best, but right now it feels like no matter which way we go, we are the bottom of the food chain and are about to be screwed! 

I am lucky I have such a calm and easy-going husband to counteract all my over-stressing. Right now, I just wish I could trust and let go and know that no one would take advantage of us and it would all work out perfectly. However, at this very moment, I can't. 

I guess I will be up late again tonight. At least I have every season of Mythbusters on Netflix to keep me company and distracted!! 

Unfair, but still there

Even though Tom and I are fairly certain we will maintain our choice of the group we visited last Saturday for adoption; I like to be thorough and therefore have left doors open. As I have continued reviewing sites and adoptive parent profiles, I have come across some where the people admit they could have children of their own, but are choosing private adoption. I know this is their right and they are allowed to do that, but I can't help but feel a bit upset by this. 

Here we are, unable, but desperately wanting a child. We know that we are likely going to have to wait a long while to be matched and have one of our own through the gift of another, and yet, someone who could procreate, is taking another baby off the market from those of us left with basically no other options. I understand this is completely unfair of me and I have no right to judge, but I still feel upset by this. 

I also think I don't understand it. If you are choosing adoption because you want to help, why wouldn't you go through the foster-adopt system and take children who are otherwise abandoned? Why spend money to get a newborn that others are waiting for? 

Definitely something I need to think and pray about, but first needed to get it out there. So, thank you for listening! 

In other news, day 1 of both Tom and I not eating out at all, but instead making our three meals (separately since he started EMT school), went splendidly! I know it isn't Tom's favorite thing, but we got through the first day and I am hoping we can continue long term. Definite money savings and healthier eating! 

Certain of uncertainty

If nothing else through this process, I've learned that everything can change very quickly and you can never know enough! This weekend was wonderfully full of information, relaxation, and decisions! Both incredibly exciting and settling and totally nerve-wracking at the same time. So amazing how one decision can carry so many conflicting emotions! 

We went to an orientation on Saturday and I can't tell you how relieving it was. So often in life people tell you when the right thing comes along you'll just know. And this situation felt so much of that, it was incredible. I'm not sure I made it clear how uneasy Tom was of the private setting because of the incredible cost. Well, we sat through the session and asked our questions and we both walked away knowing that was the right method for us. What a relief! 

Now, of course we have a whole new set of worries and to dos. But at least that is crossed off our list! I think we are still going to allow the foster care/adoption process continue, just so we have that there for the future. However, knowing where our baby will be coming from and having us both on the same page, is such a relief. 

We also talked about names and think we have some good ones. :) It really is the little things! Lots of prayer toward having a birth mother choose us quickly and that it would be the right fit. For those of you out there, if you could lift us up and help with prayer for the right mother to select us and hopefully before years have passed, we would greatly appreciate it. 

Tom also starts EMT school tomorrow. It should be interesting trying to coordinate the work on the house and the home study and his courseload at the same time. But I'm confident we can make it happen and that it will all work out for the best. 

So one huge step forward. Tomorrow hopefully we'll hear what we actually need to do to get this whole process started! 

Whew!

I'm not sure why it always seems to end up this way, but, it seems I never spend my Memorial day relaxing, barbecuing  and paying tribute to those who have served to maintain my ability to do what I do. Instead, I seem to fill each Memorial day cleaning or organizing my house! I'm hoping this year is the last. That I actually maintain organization and cleanliness throughout the year and during the weeks, instead of waiting until it is so bad that I need a three-day weekend to get it done!

Now, of course, some of the organization needing to be done had less to do with randomness and more to do with preparing our home for children, specifically a foster child. I organized and gathered all of our cleaning supplies and my craft stuff and put it in our freshly built locking cabinet. I am sure I'll later need to move prescription drugs and other beauty products, but for now, I'm happy with it. 

I also cleaned out my closet, and am not-so-patiently waiting for my hubby to take a break from his video game to move the file cabinet so I can organize that as well! 

Bonus, we found lots of stuff to donate to Goodwill so that will help with our taxes next year (as well as giving us more space). In that pile I've included my wedding gown. I had held onto it initially because I was convinced I wanted a trash the dress session, but if it hasn't happened by now, it isn't going to. I really can't think of another legitimate reason to keep it. I mean sure, it makes me a little sick to think we spent that much money on it, I wore it for a few hours, and now it is worth $36 in tax write-off. But hopefully this way, someone else can enjoy it for their few hours :) 

Well, I must get back to it, the kitchen and laundry won't do themselves. Also, I think it is time to nag the man again about that file cabinet! I hope you all enjoy your weekend and are able to take some time to honor those who keep us free. 

Momentum

I really need to adjust the default settings on this thing so I don't have to manually change the font each time I start. 

Well, let's see, it has been nearly a week since I last wrote. It has been a very busy week! Wednesday's presentation to the big wigs went really well (better than we ever expected) and we expect really high scores. What a relief! I had not even realized the tension the anticipation of that presentation had caused; after it was over my neck finally relaxed and popped. ahhhhh yeah :) 

Thursday was spent preparing for the next big presentation for another of my areas and then Friday (my 30th birthday) was spent relaxing and partying! Woohoo! Yesterday was the big party day with family and friends. Tom did most the planning and executed wonderfully. I am so blessed! 

Now, onto the real reason you're here...updates! Thursday night was the foster care orientation. A couple good friends of ours are also looking into it and went with us. Talk about overwhelmed...Wow! So much information and the rules and safeties in place are not minimal. I know they are there for a good reason and they are not bad things to do while preparing to have a child move in, but we have some serious work to do! It really was a very big wake up call for Tom and I as far as realizing that how we keep our home and live was about to change in some very fundamental ways.

Don't get me wrong, we are very excited, but this is going to be a very long, trying, and expensive process! Nonetheless we are jumping in and have already begun completing the very long application and went to buy a locked storage cabinet for our office room closet so we can safely store our less than child-safe household cleaners and products. It took us nearly 3 hours to install (it was missing some screws), but now it is ready to fill! Woohoo. 

We also got an offer from my crazy generous parents to help finance our private adoption, if we chose to go that route (with us repaying, of course). I think we are still going to try the foster route initially. First, we both know that way is better for our community as a whole and it just seems prudent. Hopefully we are able to be successful using this option and won't need to pursue choosing and contracting with an agency. But, only time will tell.

For now, I plan to spend my next couple days off working on cleaning and organizing the house better so it will be easier to baby-proof and meet the home investigation guidelines. 

I hope you have a lovely Memorial Day remembering your own heroes. 

Wake up and pay attention

This is for you men out there (not that I actually think any of you are reading this); how in the world can you be so unobservant?! I realize that all humans mainly only pay attention to that which is important to them, however, the fact that as a gender, you all seem to miss some pretty big stuff, I worry for the safety and care of our children! LOL

While there are a number of situation that bring this up, today was just a wonderful example. My husband, bless him, has always told me that he really likes my hair long and wants to keep it that way and anything above the shoulder blades would be too short. Enter today. I had a hair appointment, Tom knew about said appointment and we had even discussed my upcoming hair cut. Typically I just go in for a trim and leave it at that (I do not spend much time doing my hair, so style has never been a big issue for me). However, this time and in advance I told Tom I was considering going a bit shorter. The ends are dry and damaged, it's too hot, etc.

So, I did it, and it ended up being a bit shorter than I was thinking, although not bad, but instead of the 2-3"we discussed it was closer to 5". I am okay with this, I think this is healthier for my hair and I know it will grow back, etc. But I was sure Tom was going to be upset when he saw it. I know it is shorter than he likes. But I have now spent nearly 3 hours in front of him, cooking, eating dinner, going shopping at Costco, standing around talking, and he has yet to notice the lack of length. Seriously? How is that even possible?!

Not that it really matters. Well, actually, I consider this good, I really didn't want him to be upset. I just continue laughing at how one can protest to care so much about it and then completely miss it! I'm sure he will notice eventually and then it will be even funnier! 

No news on the baby front, we are just waiting for the orientations that are all coming up and the refi on the house to see what options we even have. 

I am VERY excited for my 30th birthday later this week and the party this weekend! I haven't had an actual "party" for my birthday since I was 16, so this will be a lot of fun. 

Thanks again for listening! 

Under Construction

The last few days have been very busy, but also quite productive and fun! It is a very busy time of year for me at work with a couple major presentations coming up. It has been harder than normal to maintain concentration with all of this going on. Of course, I'd rather spend my time researching and planning and getting ready! I also had my main monitor of my home PC die this afternoon. Fortunately, I have two, so while annoying, it is not catastrophic. 

Tom got us some free tickets to the Angels game yesterday so we got to go enjoy that with my brother and his new wife. I wasn't very excited at first as I'm not much into sports, but figured the time with everyone would be good. The game itself was actually more entertaining than I had anticipated (especially once our section was in the shade)! Of course, the time spent with my brother and his wife was even better than expected. Overall, quite an amazing day! 

Today has been pretty much about preparing for what we know is coming. Wake up, church (hallelujah!); lunch with the grandparents got canceled as grandma wasn't doing well (prayers for her!), but we got to see them anyway. The rest of this afternoon/evening was out in the yard. We cleaned up (fluff everywhere from the dogs tearing up the bed), fixed the sprinklers, cleaned off the patios, AND the side yard (which might I add, was an incredible disaster)!

Now the lawn is being prepared for new seed so we can have an actual lawn instead of dead grass and weeds! Woohoo! 

In other news, we have started receiving packets from various agencies and how you know which to pick is beyond me. However, we have started signing up for orientation sessions. We are just hoping and praying the choice will become more clear as we continue progressing forward. 

OH! I almost forgot! While at Lowe's to pick up sprinkler and lawn stuff, we stopped by the baby-proofing area and picked up drawer and knob locks, edge pads, and plug covers! I'm not sure why, but this got me so excited. Tom says I'm not allowed to install any of it yet, but we have it!! I tried to convince him we could get stuff to start decorating the room that will become the nursery, but I was shut down. Probably for the best, I'm lucky I have a sensible husband for these moments where I lose mine! 

Another day, another couple steps toward having a child of our own...I can hardly wait! 

Narrow and wide

The search continues; well, the research continues. The "search" has yet to truly begin. Every time I think we have narrowed the options, it expands back out just in case. It is quite a confusing and crazy feeling, this whole process that is. Although, I think each step just further confirms that this is the right step for us, adoption is right road. That knowledge and continual confirmation makes this crazy path pretty tolerable (so far). 

We have also begun telling folks close to us about our intentions and their reactions have also helped support us on this path. Right now, I feel like there are so many tips, suggestions, do/don'ts, etc that it is hard to know what is best. Do you keep it quiet because there is still a very long way to go and who knows what will happen...or do you shout it from the rooftops because you're so excited and that might help in your search? I have a feeling we'll learn best by trial and error. I just hope those errors don't cost us greatly later. 

For tonight, I'm excited to be signed up for some intro sessions and to know Tom and I know where we are going together! I'm dreaming of our family together, and while that may take years, I know it will happen, and that brings me more joy than I can share. 

Step 1: Research

I am a huge fan of research...I research just about anything and everything I can. New car...months of research. Reviews, specs, models, options, test driving, you name it, I did it. I once had a full spreadsheet of stats for folding knives before I could make a decision on which I would purchase. It may seem a bit excessive, but I like to be well-informed. 

Enter the thought of adoption and say goodbye to the ability to know everything that is going to happen or how it will turn out. And that combined with what will probably be the most important decision of our lives. Talk about a bit of stress. It is only day one and we are already feeling it (less so than excitement)! 

Tom and I have both spent the better part of the last couple days, while not working, researching. What are our options? Which options are best? What is the trade off? What things are certain (let me tell you, very few) and which things are we just going to have to roll with. What seems clear to me in this world of non-biological parenting, the more certainty you want, the more it will cost you. 

I think right now we are leaning toward Foster to Adopt, at least to try at first and see if it can work for us. First, it is actually affordable. As in, we could potentially get a baby/child and still have money to take care of it! :D Second, I think this option is actually more helpful to the child and society. This is taking a child that would otherwise likely bounce between foster homes until they are old enough to leave the system. 

However, the downsides to this option are a bit daunting. So, we are still looking into other options, just in case. We are now signed up for some intro courses to begin and prepare ourselves and our home for this new addition. I'll do my best to withhold judgement until we know more facts! 

Today I feel it more than when it started, this is the right path for us. I really do want us to raise a child. It is amazing and scary and exciting all at once. I just hope we make the right decisions and don't fall into some of the scary pitfalls and potential issues with adopting. 

Here's to hoping and praying!

The beginning

Well, this isn't the technical beginning of it all, but it is where we'll start together. Let us begin with a little backdrop. I am set to hit 30 years of age later this month, I have been married for just over two years, and have a job I love! We have three dogs, own a home, have reliable vehicles, and money in our savings. Life is pretty swell. There really isn't much to really complain about, so you'll probably catch me whining over the little stuff (like the seat being left up or my car being dirty). 

Now that you have the briefest of intros, let's go back to what seems to me as the main motivation to begin this blog. Since I was a child, I always felt like I should have been adult. I never had an overactive imagination and preferred to be viewed as responsible and grown up for my age, rather than as a typical child. So, I hung out with adults as much as possible, and if not, then with kids who were either actually older than me, or at least acted it! During this time, while I spent a lot of time watching kids/babysitting, it was never for the fact that I thought I wanted some of my own, but rather because that meant I was responsible and trustworthy. 

I even went so far as to become a nanny of twin toddler girls right out of high school. I greatly enjoyed watching the girls and growing with them, but maintained my single mindset that I never wanted any of my own. Kids are a lot of work and they require that you become selfless in order to ensure they become a normally functioning, happy adult in their own timing. This is not something I've ever been interested in. I want to live my life as I want to live it, to relax on my own time, and to spend my money on who I choose, rather than on who I must. I have, with very few exceptions, held this same opinion at my very core since I was somewhere around the age of 12 (aka the majority of my life). 

Now, let's fast-forward to today, May 12, 2013, Mother's Day. My husband and I met our grandparents at Del Taco (as we usually do on Sundays) for lunch. His parents and brother also joined us, as it is Mother's Day, and as a surprise coincidence, my husband's best friend, Matt, also arrived with his two children (his wife had to leave town unexpectedly). I personally had not seen Matt in quite some time and had yet to meet his 7 month old son, although am familiar with his 4 year old daughter. 

I'm sure you can see where this is going, but let me tell you. I did not. In fact, less than a week ago, my newlywed brother and his wife were just talking to Tom (my husband) and I about children and I was sure I still did not want them, although, I know Tom does. But I digress. I see Matt set down the baby and he asks me if I'd keep an eye on him while he orders their lunch. Sure, why not? What's the harm right?! If I had only known!!! 

I don't know if it is because it is Mother's day and this will pass, or if it is like they say that something switches when you turn 30, but all I know is, I wanted that baby. I could hardly set him down to eat. I just wanted to hold and play and the thoughts kept going through my head like this: "a baby! how nice! you need one...you want one...you have to have one!" Oh no! This is not in my plan and this was never something I wanted! Why do I feel like I need one now?! 

Now, I do not have the answer, but as of this moment, I know I want one, not one that is biologically my own as I know the likelihood of that happening is basically zero. However, I want one. I need one. I suddenly feel like our life, our perfectly happy life is now missing something. A baby. 

So, as I'm a practical person, we shall wait to see if this passes, however, I'm fairly certain it won't. And perhaps you'll join me in this journey of taking life one step at a time and adding to our little family.