All I can say is wow! Today has been amazing! First, it is my first day of vacation for our Scuba trip (yay). I also had our second interview with the adoption agency which was good. I won't say fun, but good (more on this in a moment). The biggest wow is that while waiting for the interview, our SW from the County called and scheduled our inspection!! YAY!
We are scheduled for the afternoon of Sept. 30 and I'm so excited! hopefully all is in order and we'll be approved on that day with the first visit. One of my good friends who is also licensed said she'd come by and do a dry run with us to make sure sure we've dotted all the "i's" and crossed all the "t's"!! Things are moving and it is actually happening.
Now, I need to remember to calm myself because it could still be months before we get a placement, although praying it won't be. But at least licensed and home study complete will put us in a good position for when babies show up!
The interview was interesting. We went through my childhood and all the schools I attended, all medications I take, our dogs, family dynamics, everywhere I've lived, etc. He still thinks we are set to be done by end of October with our last interview in home scheduled next Thursday! But man this one was much more of a doozy that the first when Tom and I were together!
This weekend is going to rock! The local dive shop gave me some killer deals on the rental gear. We pick up Jimmy tonight and start scuba diving in the pool tomorrow. Then, off to Catalina on Saturday, not to return until Monday! It will be a whirlwind weekend where we should get PADI certified and perhaps additional certifications if all goes well!
I thought I would get more nervous as things got closer, but instead, I've just gotten more excited. Although, I need to review material tonight so I don't fail the final :-p
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I wish this funk was cool...
Seriously. In a bad one! Last night after writing my post I ended up quietly crying to What to Expect when You're Expecting (for the 8th time this year)! Poor Tom. All he wants to do is help, but can't understand that for this there is nothing he can do. So instead, as a man, he gets frustrated. Not helping dude!
I am hoping I can pull myself out of it soon. I am thinking having Jimmy come and doing the whole scuba thing will help get my mind onto something else. My misty eyes could really use a break.
I also shut the baby room door. Hoping that by not seeing it every 5 minutes when I walk down the hall that it might help me regain control of my emotions and thoughts.
It would do me well to go do something with Tom instead of sitting here draining myself emotionally (and hydrationally). But, this is where I am and I think as much as this sucks, it makes me feel better when I deal with it on my own. Does that make me a terrible wife? person? Ugh. I really don't need to add that to the list!
In other, more positive news. I have been doing well on my Weight Watchers this week (so far)! So, hopefully that will turn into a loss instead of a gain this week. Speaking of which, I need to call the store and find out when I can go weigh in so I don't miss a week since we'll be out of town on Saturday!
Only two more days until we start our under water adventure. I can do it. We will make it. This is good.
I am hoping I can pull myself out of it soon. I am thinking having Jimmy come and doing the whole scuba thing will help get my mind onto something else. My misty eyes could really use a break.
I also shut the baby room door. Hoping that by not seeing it every 5 minutes when I walk down the hall that it might help me regain control of my emotions and thoughts.
It would do me well to go do something with Tom instead of sitting here draining myself emotionally (and hydrationally). But, this is where I am and I think as much as this sucks, it makes me feel better when I deal with it on my own. Does that make me a terrible wife? person? Ugh. I really don't need to add that to the list!
In other, more positive news. I have been doing well on my Weight Watchers this week (so far)! So, hopefully that will turn into a loss instead of a gain this week. Speaking of which, I need to call the store and find out when I can go weigh in so I don't miss a week since we'll be out of town on Saturday!
Only two more days until we start our under water adventure. I can do it. We will make it. This is good.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Roller coasters
When I was younger, roller coasters were always just fun, exhilarating items that I would dream about. Not really knowing if you would make it out alive (all the while knowing, of course, that you would). As "unpredictable" as we like to think of them, they all have a few things in common. Steep hills from which you cannot see where you're going, huge drops that cause your stomach to meet your brain, and more than adequately necessary safety equipment.
As Tom and I progress through this road of adoption, I realize my life has become such an item. Only it feels as though the safety equipment has been removed. So many uphill battles, the applications, fingerprinting, and classes. This isn't even mentioning the largest to come of having a child in our home and learning to raise them to be great humans. So far, each hill has been followed by somewhat of a drop that seem to relieve the tension and unknowns of the hills, the first interview with the adoption agency, having our application approved, etc.
And yet, I still feel like there is no safety harness. I wonder if we will make it out whole. I know in theory we will make it out as more than whole, with a child to call our own and the family we have been dreaming about. But there are people who haven't. What if we are one of those people? It is terrifying. Far more terrifying than any other coaster I've ever seen.
Today, I got to have dinner with one of my best friends. We haven't had a chance to just sit together in a very long while and it was an amazing evening. She too is going through fertility issues and struggling to become a mom. Although, we differ in our methods. Tom and I chose adoption and she and her husband have chosen fertility treatments. I admire her. I could not deal with that road and all the emotional and physical pain that comes with it. At least with adoption there are a bit better odds of a positive outcome. Although both have very steep costs.
We got to just sit and talk about how extremely difficult each process is and while very different, many of our emotions and experiences have felt the same. Like how difficult it is to watch someone who may not even want a child, get pregnant. She is better than I in that she can hold her feelings in and celebrate with those people. I am not nearly as strong and bawl at the mere thought!
Which brings me back to my point. Will we make it out okay? Will we be the same? Or will we finish this as just some semblance of the people we once were? I know being a parent changes you. But I wonder how much change will come just from riding this roller coaster we are on. Will all the worrying and devastation it brings. I hope I end this as I dream. Happy, with a child for our own, and relatively well-recovered from the road it took to get there. But what if I don't? Who would I be? And finally, will I be glad we chose the road we did?
As Tom and I progress through this road of adoption, I realize my life has become such an item. Only it feels as though the safety equipment has been removed. So many uphill battles, the applications, fingerprinting, and classes. This isn't even mentioning the largest to come of having a child in our home and learning to raise them to be great humans. So far, each hill has been followed by somewhat of a drop that seem to relieve the tension and unknowns of the hills, the first interview with the adoption agency, having our application approved, etc.
And yet, I still feel like there is no safety harness. I wonder if we will make it out whole. I know in theory we will make it out as more than whole, with a child to call our own and the family we have been dreaming about. But there are people who haven't. What if we are one of those people? It is terrifying. Far more terrifying than any other coaster I've ever seen.
Today, I got to have dinner with one of my best friends. We haven't had a chance to just sit together in a very long while and it was an amazing evening. She too is going through fertility issues and struggling to become a mom. Although, we differ in our methods. Tom and I chose adoption and she and her husband have chosen fertility treatments. I admire her. I could not deal with that road and all the emotional and physical pain that comes with it. At least with adoption there are a bit better odds of a positive outcome. Although both have very steep costs.
We got to just sit and talk about how extremely difficult each process is and while very different, many of our emotions and experiences have felt the same. Like how difficult it is to watch someone who may not even want a child, get pregnant. She is better than I in that she can hold her feelings in and celebrate with those people. I am not nearly as strong and bawl at the mere thought!
Which brings me back to my point. Will we make it out okay? Will we be the same? Or will we finish this as just some semblance of the people we once were? I know being a parent changes you. But I wonder how much change will come just from riding this roller coaster we are on. Will all the worrying and devastation it brings. I hope I end this as I dream. Happy, with a child for our own, and relatively well-recovered from the road it took to get there. But what if I don't? Who would I be? And finally, will I be glad we chose the road we did?
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Kindness
Well, we survived the emotional trauma of Tuesday. Our SW called first thing on Wednesday to apologize and reschedule (in the evening so we don't have to miss more work). I was still pretty off on Wednesday. A couple friend of Tom's is expecting their third child and decided to have a last minute dinner celebration on Wednesday evening. Poor Tom asked if I'd like to go and I just started bawling...
Why is it so hard to be excited and celebrate with someone else who is successful in a place you are failing? I do not know, but I did know I didn't want to rain on their parade. So, rather than test my limits and fail more, I had Tom go and enjoy himself while I stayed home and watched some Netflix. It was just what I needed.
I should add that I've now probably seen What to Expect when you're Expecting at least 6 times since May. I think I might have a problem. But for some reason it is comforting to me. So, what's the harm?!
We also had a nice kind gesture by one of Tom's coworkers. They gave us a good sampling of blankets and clothes (mostly for a girl) in baby sizes to add to our collection. The sizes range from newborn to two year old. Even though we know we want 6 months or under, it is good to know we have a selection in case they are not standard sizes. If it is a boy, we'll just have to hope the few outfits we bought fit until we can get more!
It is really nice to have the baby room done, and to not feel like an emotional wreck again. I am hoping that was just a moment of weakness and I can stay together through the rest of this process. People keep telling me I won't remember any of this hardship when we actually get a kid. While part of me hopes that is true, part of me hopes it's not. I'd love to forget all this, but I think it is part of our journey, and can help us help others in our same situation.
So much of this journey was guessing and hoping. If we can hold on to this information and the process and frustrations to help someone else minimize or avoid them, that would be awesome. But just in case we don't remember, I'm hoping this blog has enough to help someone along.
We still have yet to hear anything from our County Licensing SW and keep holding our breath and waiting. Hopefully he will call and schedule our inspection soon. We and the house are definitely ready! Until then, we will just keep working toward our goal and pray that the right child (baby, please be a newborn baby) is out there or on its way to us!
Why is it so hard to be excited and celebrate with someone else who is successful in a place you are failing? I do not know, but I did know I didn't want to rain on their parade. So, rather than test my limits and fail more, I had Tom go and enjoy himself while I stayed home and watched some Netflix. It was just what I needed.
I should add that I've now probably seen What to Expect when you're Expecting at least 6 times since May. I think I might have a problem. But for some reason it is comforting to me. So, what's the harm?!
We also had a nice kind gesture by one of Tom's coworkers. They gave us a good sampling of blankets and clothes (mostly for a girl) in baby sizes to add to our collection. The sizes range from newborn to two year old. Even though we know we want 6 months or under, it is good to know we have a selection in case they are not standard sizes. If it is a boy, we'll just have to hope the few outfits we bought fit until we can get more!
It is really nice to have the baby room done, and to not feel like an emotional wreck again. I am hoping that was just a moment of weakness and I can stay together through the rest of this process. People keep telling me I won't remember any of this hardship when we actually get a kid. While part of me hopes that is true, part of me hopes it's not. I'd love to forget all this, but I think it is part of our journey, and can help us help others in our same situation.
So much of this journey was guessing and hoping. If we can hold on to this information and the process and frustrations to help someone else minimize or avoid them, that would be awesome. But just in case we don't remember, I'm hoping this blog has enough to help someone along.
We still have yet to hear anything from our County Licensing SW and keep holding our breath and waiting. Hopefully he will call and schedule our inspection soon. We and the house are definitely ready! Until then, we will just keep working toward our goal and pray that the right child (baby, please be a newborn baby) is out there or on its way to us!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
*Sigh*
So...it's been awhile. Up until this last week, not much had changed. Tom and I continued attending (and have now completed) the required 27 hours of PRIDE training through the county. We also discovered the reason we haven't heard anything from our licensing SW was because he had been on leave from an accident. So, we are still waiting on progress on that end, but at least we have done everything we can on ours.
Today we had our first interview with the adoption agency scheduled. Tom and I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday cleaning and organizing the house. We also found a dresser/changing table on sale at Target that was perfect for the room and spent 3 hours assembling that monstrosity! But by the end of the day (10pm), the house looks amazing (clutter free even) and the baby room makes me want to cry tears of joy! Back to the point of this section...
We had the interview scheduled at 10am. I took the whole morning off work and Tom went in for a couple hours and came back home just after 10 for the interview. 10:40 rolls around and no social worker. Come to find out, we were scheduled, but our SW forgot he had us scheduled and took the day off.
If I could only of imagined the stress and emotional turmoil this would of caused...oi! It took everything I had to not cry! Tom and I went to lunch, but as one might imagine, I wasn't feeling great so couldn't eat much. Tried to go to work, but I am just so upset, I literally feel nauseous So, instead, I am here at home, with my laptop, working in my office (staying near to the restroom).
I knew this process wouldn't be easy, but I had no idea it would be this hard! I now completely understand why people decide to just pay the 30k and adopt privately. Having this process be out of your hands with no set time frame and no guarantee of a permanent placement is not easy. It is so much harder than I ever imagined.
We will still stick to it and give it a shot, but I'm losing faith that this process will work and we'll have gone through all this for nothing and still end up forking out thousands of dollars to have our family. I hope I'm wrong, but right now, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Today we had our first interview with the adoption agency scheduled. Tom and I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday cleaning and organizing the house. We also found a dresser/changing table on sale at Target that was perfect for the room and spent 3 hours assembling that monstrosity! But by the end of the day (10pm), the house looks amazing (clutter free even) and the baby room makes me want to cry tears of joy! Back to the point of this section...
We had the interview scheduled at 10am. I took the whole morning off work and Tom went in for a couple hours and came back home just after 10 for the interview. 10:40 rolls around and no social worker. Come to find out, we were scheduled, but our SW forgot he had us scheduled and took the day off.
If I could only of imagined the stress and emotional turmoil this would of caused...oi! It took everything I had to not cry! Tom and I went to lunch, but as one might imagine, I wasn't feeling great so couldn't eat much. Tried to go to work, but I am just so upset, I literally feel nauseous So, instead, I am here at home, with my laptop, working in my office (staying near to the restroom).
I knew this process wouldn't be easy, but I had no idea it would be this hard! I now completely understand why people decide to just pay the 30k and adopt privately. Having this process be out of your hands with no set time frame and no guarantee of a permanent placement is not easy. It is so much harder than I ever imagined.
We will still stick to it and give it a shot, but I'm losing faith that this process will work and we'll have gone through all this for nothing and still end up forking out thousands of dollars to have our family. I hope I'm wrong, but right now, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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