Please turn right at the fork

From just another happy couple to parents! Man. All i heard in my head was "About Face"! She is beautiful and sweet and such a good baby! She is already down taking a nap after a bit of formula. We are so happy (and scared). 

Now time to learn to parent and raise a child and pray that it is God's will to keep her (and if not for his help in letting go). I can't risk posting any photos on the internet, but trust me, she is perfect. :D 

Imminent Parenthood

Yep. You read the subject correctly. Parenthood is imminent! We will be having a placement tomorrow afternoon! Amazing how quickly things can change. Although, I should also tell you while looking at the dates it did move quickly, it FELT like forever!

We do not know much about the placement. We know it is a little girl of about 3 months. We know she is smaller for her age group and that she is one of five lost by the mother. 

The social worker will be bringing her to us tomorrow and we are so excited I can't even tell you. Although, I won't lie, there is plenty of apprehension as well. The downside to going through the foster system. The parents still get visitation and have a chance of getting her back. So we just get to hope and pray for her and for us. As hard as it is, I know God has it all worked out. But I am hoping his will is for us to keep her forever. 

So much is unknown at this point, but mostly we are just excited to know we will be getting her in our custody tomorrow! Parenthood comes so quickly. Amazing to think of really. I'm sure there will be updates as we get her. Please keep us and this wee little babe in your thoughts and prayers. :) 

Officially Waiting

Patience. I imagine that is a skill that is highly needed by parents and perhaps part of why this process is the way it is. But man, is it tough! We have our official license in the mail saying we are licensed through the county DHS. We haven't heard anything on the home study front, but are under the impression all is well, and regardless that doesn't affect a placement. 

But man, I am now completely glued to my phone and have a mild heart attack every time it rings with a number not tied to a contact! HAHA My poor coworkers are on pins and needles with me. I know it can be (and probably will be) months and months before we get a call, but I can't stop hoping it isn't. That it will be today or tomorrow or soon. 

I think there are many ways adoption/foster is easier than natural childbirth and plenty of ways it is harder. Technically it could be faster, but that isn't in your favor (as of today we are at 5 months). Certainly it is less painful (at least for the pregnant one). Way more work and invasions of privacy by the government and random social workers, etc. More rules. And just more unknowns I think. 

You could argue that while you may assume certain milestones and processes about pregnancy and childbirth, everyone is different and anything can happen. I won't disagree. However, with this there is no real timeline. And you could get the child and then lose it just as quickly (or more painfully, less quickly) which is of lower risk if you bore the child. 

I'm not sure why I'm even debating it. The natural option isn't much of an option for us. This is where we're at and we just get to take it as it comes. So, I am TRYING to be patient and wait on God's timing, but it certainly isn't easy. Just waiting for the phone to ring...

It's becoming real!!

Well, in the last day or two this really has become real! We had a final interview with the adoption agency and he expects to have our home study done and approved by the end of October! So amazing! Thank you Lord! As if that weren't enough, three days later we had our home inspection with the County (finally, right)!! It went swimmingly. All the obsessing actually paid off and was really quite necessary. Even Tom repeatedly said thank you for my craziness as if it hadn't been as such we would likely have needed more visits! 

So, now, our Social Worker says we should be licensed by the end of the week! WOW!! Now, I know this just means we are capable of caring for a child but it could still take months before we get placement. This is still very true and i'm trying not to get too excited, but it is hard not to at this point! 

Additionally, Tom started his volunteer work at San Joaquin Hospital and met a few social workers who were there to take custody of a child being born. He passed along our names, which I am hoping will speed up the process! Please pray for us in this time. I know the right child will come along in the right time, but it is certainly hard to be patient! 

Since we now have the go-ahead (basically), I finally assembled the stroller and car seat (they were just chilling in the box). So strange to be so close! 

For those curious about how much of my obsessing was necessary, here are the things I know now that I didn't know prior:

• Fire Extinguishers (only necessary if you are licensing for special needs kids)
• Alcohol doesn't need to be behind lock and key unless you're going for teenagers
• they didn't comment on the outlet plugs, but they were all there, so maybe it wasn't necessary
• Having the deadbolt and lock on the handle to the garage was sufficient, but we did have to have the majority of tools locked up or out of reach for children
• They didn't check for bag clips for food in containers (I know others who did though)
• All poisons MUST be behind a lock (combo or lock and key), even in the garage. 
• They will open each and every drawer and cupboard to check that it is either safe or has a child safety lock on it. 
• kitchen trash can needs a lid
• if you have dogs, make sure all poop is picked up, all holes filled in and no loose boards or junk in the backyard. 
• you will have to open and close all windows in bedrooms (to prove they work)
• They will test your water temp. At it's hottest it should read between 105 and 120. If it is outside this range they will tell you to adjust your water heater and may or may not require a second visit to test it. For us this meant having it on it's second to third lowest "warm" setting above the "vacation" settings.  

With all that said, it was much less painful that I suspected (although partially due to us being so overly cautious). Most of the time was us sitting down and waiting for the social worker to check all the paperwork and go over everything. 

Mostly, I'm just happy we are done with this portion of the process and are now just excited to be open to a child. I have had my phone glued to me since the social worker left! Hopefully soon we will be a family. :D 

What a day!

All I can say is wow! Today has been amazing! First, it is my first day of vacation for our Scuba trip (yay). I also had our second interview with the adoption agency which was good. I won't say fun, but good (more on this in a moment). The biggest wow is that while waiting for the interview, our SW from the County called and scheduled our inspection!! YAY! 

We are scheduled for the afternoon of Sept. 30 and I'm so excited! hopefully all is in order and we'll be approved on that day with the first visit. One of my good friends who is also licensed said she'd come by and do a dry run with us to make sure sure we've dotted all the "i's" and crossed all the "t's"!! Things are moving and it is actually happening. 

Now, I need to remember to calm myself because it could still be months before we get a placement, although praying it won't be. But at least licensed and home study complete will put us in a good position for when babies show up! 

The interview was interesting. We went through my childhood and all the schools I attended, all medications I take, our dogs, family dynamics, everywhere I've lived, etc. He still thinks we are set to be done by end of October with our last interview in home scheduled next Thursday! But man this one was much more of a doozy that the first when Tom and I were together! 

This weekend is going to rock! The local dive shop gave me some killer deals on the rental gear. We pick up Jimmy tonight and start scuba diving in the pool tomorrow. Then, off to Catalina on Saturday, not to return until Monday! It will be a whirlwind weekend where we should get PADI certified and perhaps additional certifications if all goes well! 

I thought I would get more nervous as things got closer, but instead, I've just gotten more excited. Although, I need to review material tonight so I don't fail the final :-p 

I wish this funk was cool...

Seriously. In a bad one! Last night after writing my post I ended up quietly crying to What to Expect when You're Expecting (for the 8th time this year)! Poor Tom. All he wants to do is help, but can't understand that for this there is nothing he can do. So instead, as a man, he gets frustrated. Not helping dude! 

I am hoping I can pull myself out of it soon. I am thinking having Jimmy come and doing the whole scuba thing will help get my mind onto something else. My misty eyes could really use a break. 

I also shut the baby room door. Hoping that by not seeing it every 5 minutes when I walk down the hall that it might help me regain control of my emotions and thoughts. 

It would do me well to go do something with Tom instead of sitting here draining myself emotionally (and hydrationally). But, this is where I am and I think as much as this sucks, it makes me feel better when I deal with it on my own. Does that make me a terrible wife? person? Ugh. I really don't need to add that to the list!

In other, more positive news. I have been doing well on my Weight Watchers this week (so far)! So, hopefully that will turn into a loss instead of a gain this week. Speaking of which, I need to call the store and find out when I can go weigh in so I don't miss a week since we'll be out of town on Saturday! 

Only two more days until we start our under water adventure. I can do it. We will make it. This is good. 

Roller coasters

When I was younger, roller coasters were always just fun, exhilarating items that I would dream about. Not really knowing if you would make it out alive (all the while knowing, of course, that you would). As "unpredictable" as we like to think of them, they all have a few things in common. Steep hills from which you cannot see where you're going, huge drops that cause your stomach to meet your brain, and more than adequately necessary safety equipment. 

As Tom and I progress through this road of adoption, I realize my life has become such an item. Only it feels as though the safety equipment has been removed. So many uphill battles, the applications, fingerprinting, and classes. This isn't even mentioning the largest to come of having a child in our home and learning to raise them to be great humans. So far, each hill has been followed by somewhat of a drop that seem to relieve the tension and unknowns of the hills, the first interview with the adoption agency, having our application approved, etc. 

And yet, I still feel like there is no safety harness. I wonder if we will make it out whole. I know in theory we will make it out as more than whole, with a child to call our own and the family we have been dreaming about. But there are people who haven't. What if we are one of those people? It is terrifying. Far more terrifying than any other coaster I've ever seen. 

Today, I got to have dinner with one of my best friends. We haven't had a chance to just sit together in a very long while and it was an amazing evening. She too is going through fertility issues and struggling to become a mom. Although, we differ in our methods. Tom and I chose adoption and she and her husband have chosen fertility treatments. I admire her. I could not deal with that road and all the emotional and physical pain that comes with it. At least with adoption there are a bit better odds of a positive outcome. Although both have very steep costs. 

We got to just sit and talk about how extremely difficult each process is and while very different, many of our emotions and experiences have felt the same. Like how difficult it is to watch someone who may not even want a child, get pregnant. She is better than I in that she can hold her feelings in and celebrate with those people. I am not nearly as strong and bawl at the mere thought! 

Which brings me back to my point. Will we make it out okay? Will we be the same? Or will we finish this as just some semblance of the people we once were? I know being a parent changes you. But I wonder how much change will come just from riding this roller coaster we are on. Will all the worrying and devastation it brings. I hope I end this as I dream. Happy, with a child for our own, and relatively well-recovered from the road it took to get there. But what if I don't? Who would I be? And finally, will I be glad we chose the road we did?